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Funny One-Liners:
quotes for Twitter
Funny One-Liners: quotes you can use on Twitter or for text messages. Quick but funny quotes for your friends.
Funny One-Liners from famous people
"It's kind of fun to do the impossible." - Walt Disney
"If you can dream it, you can do it." - Walt Disney
"I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have." - Thomas Jefferson
"If you command wisely, you'll be obeyed cheerfully." - Thomas Fuller
"He that is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else." - Benjamin Franklin
"Tell the world what you intend to do, but first show it" - Napoleon Hill
"A goal is nothing more than a dream with a deadline" - Napoleon Hill
"Most people would die sooner than think; in fact, they do." - Bertrand Russell
"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere." - Agnes Repplier
"The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up." - Mark Twain
"No man ever became great or good except through many and great mistakes." - W E Gladstone Sayings
Funny One-Liners from Unknown Authors
"He who is full of himself, is likely to be quite empty."
"You can't believe some people, even when they swear they are lying."
"The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up."
"I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere."
"Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens."
"Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool. "
"Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't."
"We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control."
"When in doubt, mumble."
"Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off."
"Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen."
"Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman."
Random Funny One-Liners
These random funny one-liners are about nothing in particular; regretfully by unknown authors:
"After reading this you will have wasted 5 seconds of your life."
"There are two rules for success: 1.) Don't tell all you know."
"If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
"Which one of these is the non-smoking lifeboat?"
"A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party."
"Sometimes I wish life had subtitles!"
"Always be sincere, even if you don't mean it."
"Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm."
"This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting."
"I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem."
"People like you are the reason people like me need medication."
"They say that Money Talks but mine just waves "Goodbye""
"I don't know what makes you dumb, but it really works."
"Don't give me that blank expression or I'll tattoo it!"
"Justify. Rationalize. Minimize. Who needs reality anyway?"
"I lost my temper, BUT IT CAME BACK!"
"If they say TVs so bad for you then why do they have one in every hospital room?"
"Studying. Notice how they conveniently put "DYING" at the end of this word?"
"If you think about it, the Earth is bi-polar. This may explain a lot."
"When I want your opinion, I'll remove the duct tape."
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